Actual Ableist Paul Muad'Derp & The Faggot Brigade

HOW DID HE KNOW I GOT IT FOR HIM?

ME: Look, Captain! A plastic-wrapped nail file shaped like a foot!
THE DOG: What. No. That's weird.
ME: No seriously, it's not to hurt you with, it's awesome! It's a nail file shaped like a foot!
THE DOG: It's a thing of unfathomable horror, such that I cannot look upon it but I am clutched in the grip of cosmic, gibbering madness. Throw it out.
ME: Here, I'll unwrap it so you can sniff it for yourself.
THE DOG: *slinks off to cower in his kennel for the next year*

Aud: TEN THOUSAND YEARS BONER!

Luka: NO RESOLUTION!

RIVALRYSTUCK: MAOA

 *WELL THAT'S THAT, WE'VE BEGUN PUTTING KARKAT'S BAND LINEUP TOGETHER. THIS SHIT'S GOING LIVE*
Luka: "what do you think about maybe adding keyboards, karkat?"
Luka: "I THINK YOU CAN GET YOUR ASS TO VH1 WITH THAT PUSSY SHIT."
Jess: lmao
Jess: they can mock john for wanting to be echo and the bunnymen
Jess: john the bunnyman
Luka: bunny and the echomen according to the PMRC
Luka: omg they can make Tipper Sticker jokes
Jess: god it's all coming back to me :DDD
Luka: sollux wants to get a tipper tattoo
Jess: ahaha
Jess: get her face tattooed on his taint
Luka: fffff
Luka: he has a tattoo of phyllis schlafly in bondage gear on his ass
Luka: omg this is the era of the frankenchrist obscenity trial isn't it
Jess: my band memories are from around 88 to 92
Luka: well, let's not get too bogged down by the chronology
Jess: we'll probably end up mashing the era up a bit
Luka: yeah
Jess: plus the experience didn't change much if you weren't doing electronica
Luka: JOHN: hey karkat! do you like devo?
Luka: KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE JO oh hey
Jess: ahaha
Jess: i bet sollux likes devo
Luka: YES
Jess: those nerdy little shits are subversive as fuck
Jess: if we were doing late 90's i'd throw the libertines at you
Luka: sollux gets a little bit of sex pistols, the more metal hawkwind albums with the paranoid schizo bob calvert lyrics and all those crazy one-world-government CIA surveillance themes... obviously iggy pop...
Jess: hell i'm gonna anyway hang on
Luka: he would know his roots and also naturally lean toward electronics
Luka: karkat is acoustic for life, he hears feedback and he smiles

PAGING DOCTOR TICK

Aud: What if you're a spoon otherkin.
Aud: Are you spending yourself.
Luka: I IDENTIFY AS A SPOON I CAN DO ANYTHING
Aud: I AM A SPOON THAT IDENTIFIES AS A TRANSETHNIC SPORK
Aud: DON'T QUESTION ME
Luka: i wouldn't do that
Luka: i don't have the

an apple. an apple. an apple. an apple.

Luka: the captain stole a potato from the bag and he's crunching it up.
Luka: LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE FINALLY FIGURED OUT THAT THERE IS FOOD INSIDE THAT PEEL
Luka: usually i have to open it for him or he's like HALP
Luka: HELUP HOW DO I EAT FOOD
Aud: oh my goodness
Luka: WUF THERE IS DINNER INSIDE THE SKIN PART
Luka: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE
Luka: I THOUGHT YOU PUT THE TASTY PART THERE WHEN YOU CUT IT IN HALF
Luka: sometimes if i give him a whole apple he just looks at me like 
Luka: dog: "luka. luka, no. what can i do with this thing?"
Luka: me: "eat it?"
Luka: him: *miserably stares at floor, making mumbly whiny noises*
Luka: me: "that's food."
Luka: dog: "i… i..."
Luka: me: "just bite through the rind!"
Luka: dog: "my hands are tied, luka. i can't fight city hall."
Luka: me: *sighs, cuts up apple"
Luka: dog: "HOLY SHIT AN APPLE."

BEING TWELVE IS MORE FUN WHEN YOU'RE OVER 30

Jess: i'm going to read fic and go to sleep and maybe tomorrow i can justify my existence somehow :D
Luka: some days just don't start.
Jess: yeah.
Luka: the cure said so once
Luka: "thursday doesn't even start, it's friday, i'm in love"
Jess: that song weirded me out.
Jess: it was the cure being cheerful.
Jess: and it wasn't semi-creepy cheerful like 'lovecats', it was like… wholesome.
Jess: weeeeeird.
Jess: anyway, yes, my thursday didn't even start, hopefully friday will be better.
Luka: we covered this, friday you'll be in love
Luka: and probably on something
Luka: sorry in advance for the morgellons
Jess: i'm always in love though, so it's not like i need to mark it on my calendar.
Jess: it'd be the whole calendar.
Luka: privilege much
Jess: the 'jesse &lt;3 seebs' calendar.
Luka: some of us don't have calendars :( :( :( :( :(
Jess: not a lot of market for that :D
Luka: if you only knew what people pay for the webcam feed of your bedroom dude
Luka: ydek.
Jess: i thought you decided romance is stupid
Luka: that doesn't mean people shouldn't do it. 
Luka: love is always a hurricane.
Jess: 'watch two fat forty-year-olds bone and giggle!' how much do you get for that?
Luka: bout three inches if it's not too cold
Jess: lmfao

THE PRIME DIRECTIVE

J: Similar thing with TNG. The first season's kinda horrible, the second one is vastly better and the whole series improves from there. 
J: Of course, it's still Star Trek. Some people get quite fussy over the subject. 
LUKA: I like to deliberately mix up Star Trek and Star Wars when naming the respective franchises because there's a certain subset of people who get really pissed off about it--like, mortally offended--and those are the ones I don't want to discuss media with. it flushes them out and saves me great buttpain later.
J: A pretty clever plan. Like, making a Vulcan hand greeting and saying "may the force be with you" at the same time.
LUKA: oh my god you animal.

Sidekick Speech To Text Is Hilarious

LUKA: Tentabulge.
StoT: TEN DOUBLE CHECK.
LUKA: Tentabulge.
StoT: TEN TOP POULTRY.
LUKA: Tentabulge.
StoT: KENTUCKY BOLT.

THIS IS HOW LUKA EXPRESSES HERD AFFILIATION

Luka: pssst what's your address homo
Mercury: homo? I beg your pardon.
Mercury: XD
Luka: sorry
Mercury: But there's no snappy thing to say about a pansexual is there.
Luka: YO EVERYTHING BAGEL
Luka: GIMME YOUR ADDRESS

HOMESTUCK AND ADVENTURE TIME HAVE MERGED IN MY HEAD

Aud: I looked up yaghablaothwhateverhisname is
Aud: and wikipedia says it's a snake with a glowy lion head on top and it's one of the names people use to describe a being that creates and maintains the physical universe
Luka: hahaha awesome
Aud: I wonder if that was the same thing we saw in the other flash with the alpha kids
Luka: ....
Luka: oh.
Aud: :D
Aud: So instead of a regular monster thing, Caliborn is being punished by having to make a deal with God, essentially
Aud: Wow, I wonder what he'll have to do
Luka: *wiggles eyebrows*
Luka: OH. WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.
Luka: OH. WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.
Luka: OH. WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.
Luka: OH. WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.
Aud: NOOOOOO

Vriska Operates By Dream Logic

Jess: terezi: in order to get from A to Z we need to pass through D, P, and W, but not actually in that order!
Jess: vriska: in order to get from A to Z, you need to give me your lunch money, and then i'm going to burn down that guy's house, and surprise, we're not going to Z after all! because Z is laaaaaaaame. instead the plan is to kill A!
Jess: you can't EVEN write a story about that.
Jess: your plot would be literally a nightmare. vriska operates by dream logic.

ghost butts

Luka: WHY DOES HE STILL LIKE HER.
Jess: why does anyone like her
Luka: man idek
Luka: i admire the fact that she gets shit done problem is
Jess: i mean i get why john liked her, he's dumb as a post and also easily impressed by superficial cool.
Luka: she gets only STUPID shit done that causes nothing but trouble and ultimately makes shit so much worse
Jess: but tavros never liked her before, so why...
Jess: ugh.
Luka: sAY VRISKA,
Luka: rEMEMBER WHEN i WAS, iNSIDE YOU
Jess: D:
Luka: oUR BODIES AS ONE,
Jess: no
Luka: tOUCHING, gENTLY,
Jess: nope
Jess: nope
Luka: aND i FARTED, oUT OF YOUR BUTT,
Jess: n… ahaha ok yes
Jess: GHOST BUTTS
Luka: i MADE THAT HAPPEN, vRISKA,
Luka: i MADE US BOTH, fART OUT OF THE SAME BUTT,
Luka: i DID IT FOR YOU,
Luka: fOR YOU,

HELMSMEN AND INDIGOES = CONTENTIOUS KITTY CATS

Luka: Galley's wondering if LL told bel that he doesnt' handle helmsman films well
Luka: i'm wondering if she even noticed all that much
Luka: or if she thought it was the movie in general
Luka: although i imagine he spends most of movie night either conked out in her lap or with his face buried in her hair swearing blind he will never ever speak of it again
Luka: then she goes and hangs him back up in the helmsblock like *welp off to the market!* :D
Luka: they are so dysfunctional
Aud: speak of what again? XD
Luka: speak of snuggletimes
Aud: OOH
Aud: HAHAH YES
Luka: because ew, snuggletimes
Aud: I like this
Luka: i figure he'd have that particular wishing to be hugged/having no idea how to deal with being hugged thing
Aud: I think that is part of why she insists on them so often
Aud: He is like hugging a fussy cat
Aud: *nodnod*
Luka: and she's all noncon pale so the choice is not a problem anymore
Aud: Mmmhm
Luka: IT'S SO LIBERATImuffmfufmm
Aud: Also whoops she used Galley's shampoo
Luka: IT IS ALL PART OF HER PLOY TO MAKE HIM SMELL LIKE THE OTHER KITTY
Luka: AND THE OTHER KITTY SMELL LIKE HIM
Aud: HEHEHEH
Luka: PET THE ONE KITTY THEN PET THE OTHER KITTY THEN THE FIRST KITTY GETS PISSED AND BITES YOU
Luka: OH SHIT BAD KITTY BACK IN THE HELMSBLOCK FOR A TIME OUT MEOWWWWWRRRRRWRRR

L'esprit d'escalier :(

Luka: i'm used to shooting the shit with that kind of crazy inappropriate hippy dude
Luka: i don't feel threatened by them, they were being deliberately outrageous
Luka: but like wow
Jess: i have in the past responded to that sort of 'disgusting come-on but haha it was a joke so you can't call me on it' crap with a haha-i'm-joking-too description of some horrible dexter-esque way i'd murder them.
Luka: damn! that didn't even occur to me i am now kicking myself
Jess: well one time it was 'peel off your face with an x-acto knife and save it' so i dunno if that counts as murder :D
Luka: because i would have totally gone all "man good luck, shit's got teeth"
Jess: the only other one i'm sure i've used rather than saved-up-in-case is 'cut off your arms and legs and drown you in the toilet'
Jess: i think these things up and memorize them
Luka: "last time i did that i peeled the guy's face off with an x-acto knife and now it lives in my fridge"
Jess: haha yes 
Aud: and i wear it sometimes. I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY!
Jess: 'we call it gervaise and it advises us on what to have for dinner'

FIGHT CLUB FARM

LUKA: yeah, it goes from a boy's club rebellion to like, fascism...
AUD: yeah. it's kinda like Animal Farm.
LUKA: Animal Farm with honkies.
AUD: ONE FIST GOOD! TWO FISTS BAD!
LUKA: *dashes for laptop*